he was correct
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I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
HERE’S MARKY
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL