“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Nice try, NASA
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.