Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now