And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
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I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence