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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
What my back needs
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.