and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes