And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The Weeknd is back
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.