Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

ㅤ

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.