Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Anarchy

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

like swimming in quick dry cement

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.