Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”