“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
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the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.