Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February