And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I can fix him.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Coffee is ready.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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