And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
![]()
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’