… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine