… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
You Might Also Like
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I think this might be relevant today.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.