Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

😩😩😩

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

all that yoga finally paid off

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

😂🥴

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus