Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

good let them take over I have had enough

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates