And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Friday
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.