And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house