And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?