I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Namaste
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.