Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Did I do this right

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

How to wake up a Beagle

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.