Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

IT’S-A ME,

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

I occasionally drink every single night.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here