And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Sooo many times…..
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.