And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…


Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”


I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”


My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.


I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage


My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you


– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?


If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.