A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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