Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Free him

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

.. do you even science?

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.