….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
You Might Also Like
Who called it baking and not making love
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
What do you text your spouse?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.