….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.