And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
You Might Also Like
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion