and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
This was a bad idea all around
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*