and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend