And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
