And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”