Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

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..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Safety first

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.