Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

Sorry. Not sorry

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO