And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
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You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use