Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.