And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
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HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me too door. Me too.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?