Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.