Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!