Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

My love language is deader than Latin

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards