why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Nothing.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
They got Raph!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*