…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”

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If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.


As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.


My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.


Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car



Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.


*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”


To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.


My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game


There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.