Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!