“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head