Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

From Facebook just now…

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Revenge served cold

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up