Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

Old old old old old west

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.