And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
You Might Also Like
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater