And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
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How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
cyclists
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.