HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
emergency phone
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015