And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
British websites use biscuits.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE