Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”