Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they finally got him. they got macavity

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus