Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

When the stylist spins you back around

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.