Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

operators are standing by to ignore your call

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind