Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Single and childfree like Jesus

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.