Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent