And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy