And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
