And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”