And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
this has to be peak English
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok