Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.