and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw