and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
“FOUND ‘EM!”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Saturday
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.