“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Children of the corn 🌽
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”