“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes