“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.